December 31, 2018

In 2019, ditch shame and choose integrity.

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2018 brought me a depth of knowledge about myself– my core values, my emotional regulation, who I am as a teacher. Of course, all of this came from combatting moments of deep confusion, intense shame, and near impossible decision making.

I don’t know how common it is to have to choose between your own integrity or the demands and desires of people in power, but I faced this dilemma multiple times over 2018.

Up until 2018, I would have tried everything to keep the harmony and find a solution that kept my integrity in tact and pleased the other people. I went into one particular meeting with that mindset when everything changed.

For the first time as a educator, I listened as someone tried to use moments of my truth and vulnerability against me– in attempt to explain away, to me, the “negative pattern in my behavior” and justify my noncompliant actions. I remember sitting there and the little voice in my head saying, “they are trying to hurt you right now… these dots do not connect… do not let them. You did nothing wrong. You were kind, you were advocating, you are human.”

That was a diverged road moment: to the left, feeling shame for experiencing trauma and being “too emotional” and perhaps even “so emotional” that you don’t remember the “directive” being said… start a downwards spiral of “what is wrong with me… why am I this way… I am broken.” To the right, feeling courageous for standing by my truth and realizing that sometimes people use tactics that aren’t kind and you don’t want to be one of those people…but I know my intent was good, I know I followed the rules, I know my actions caused someone else to feel negative emotions– it’s not about me. I disagreed with their perspective and decided to embrace the fear of a consequence.

In 2018, I heard I was: insubordinate, unsatisfactory in professionalism, too emotional, struggles with interpersonal relationships, is self-serving, had a negative pattern of behavior, struggles to comply with district policies, someone with too high of standards, someone who is too passionate and a perfectionist, someone who is too sensitive and struggles with boundaries, someone who values students over their colleagues, and someone who is “the issue.”

Those statements may or may not be true, but the fact of the matter is, they were used against me, as a teacher, as a human being, to try to shame me into compliance. Not once did I hear any of those statements in the context of trying to help me grow to be a better educator. They were all said in punitive, belittling moments, in which I had to choose to either let someone else’s perspective of me be my reality or stay true to my integrity and self-awareness of the person that I work hard to be every single day.

In 2019, I challenge you to share the moments where you feel shame. The more we talk about shame, the less powerful it is… and the more connections we might just build with each other that will prevent us from burning out.

In 2019, pay attention to the moments when you start to feel shame, hurt, fear, or guilt. Is the context in which the statements are being shared kind and being shared to help you grow? In those moments you might feel guilt for not measuring up to your own personal standards or made a mistake…but you have support for the next time. Or are those moments being shared to make you feel shame– to comply or to change the educator and person that you are? To me, guilt is about growth and shame is power. Guilt is a personal feeling that you choose to feeling because of the circumstances… where shame is a feeling that is forced upon you by someone else.

I’m just saying– if you ever have to jeopardize your personal values or integrity at the hands of another adult, try to work through it… ask questions, try to understand their perspective… but if it’s not going to get you fired but it will cause you to lose sleep at night, always, always, always, choose your integrity over others. Obviously, don’t break rules or cause a shift in harmony just because you want too… but if it’s something you truly believe in and is at the heart of your why– you know what to do.

Especially because shame only works if we allow it to. If we believe the words being said to us… and we feel so much pain from the perspective of someone else that we let go of our integrity to please others… or start to believe that other people’s words about us, are true. It’s in those choices where I believe deep felt burnout can happen and we start to lose passion for teaching.

What other people say to us can matter… but to me, the intent and purpose of others statements matter more. Trying to help me grow? Say it all. Trying to hurt me? Say it but know I don’t care and I’m losing trust in you. This is our year, people!

Time to turn those the statements that are meant to bring you down into your reasons to rise! #IntegrityEMPOWERMENTtrip2019