It is really really freaken hard to truly be yourself in todays world. Some of my biggest downfalls are only my biggest downfalls because I refuse to conform simply because that’s the norm. Which makes me really stubborn… and being stubborn is the root of a lot of my struggles. There are some things I’m willing to compromise on and others I’m just not. This makes being a teacher incredibly challenging… and it makes people assume things about me that aren’t true. Well, they are true to them… but not true to me.
Letting go of what others think of you is so hard. For years I was a people pleaser– I went out of my way to show my value and sought approval from others. I wanted people to like me. I wanted people to respect me. I wanted to avoid conflict at all costs. I flew under the radar and consciously chose to never rock the boat.
Then that all changed.
It wasn’t until I heard the most extreme misconceptions about the type of person I was that I finally realized I didn’t give two shiznitz what people thought about me. Then, it wasn’t until I realized people with more power than me, actually had the power to take away the things I love, caused the greatest internal struggle of my life.
At the end of each day, my hardest task at hand is to remember that every single person is a human. A human with struggles, traumas, a story. What others choose to do to me is a reflection of the type of person they are and not at all the person I am. Sometimes though… it really sucks to know someone can dislike you so much. I’m realizing when people feel like they have something to lose, it causes them to act in ways that are outside of their character. Wither that be their job, integrity, sense of self-concept, control and power, whatever it may be, it shakes people. I know this because it shakes me.
Ask me to give up apart of who I am and what keeps me safe and I’m all bent out of shape. This year I was forced to release parts of me that kept me safe for years. I was forced to accept that I have no control in the way others see me. I decided even though I disagreed, I was going to own it. I decided I wasn’t going to deny someone else’s’ story of me and to risk their perception being true. I surrendered.
I am not a person that typically surrenders… but I did. I released by stubbornness (and fear) and decided to own the perception of others. It’s important for me to clarify– this perception of others did not and has not become me. I simply chose to be objective and accept that their reality is their reality and my role in their story is what it is. I can not change that… but I’m tired of fighting it too… so I’m going to accept it, own it, add it to apart of my story, and love myself and them anyways.
It’s pretty insane– we are a different version of ourselves to every single person we meet on this planet. No two people are going to think of us the same… and that’s okay.
It took me all year to truly understand what Martin Luther King Jr. meant when he said these infamous but powerful words, “We will match your capacity to inflict suffering with our capacity to endure suffering. We will meet your physical force with soul force. Do to us what you will and we will still love you. We cannot in all good conscience obey your unjust laws because non-cooperation with evil is as much a moral obligation as is cooperation with good. So throw us in jail and we will still love you.”
Metaphorically speaking, I was thrown in jail at the end of this school year. I am choosing to still love. I am choosing to still see the light. Is it easy? Absolutely not. Do I feel confident there’s going to be change? Definitely not. In the middle of all the pain, sleepless nights, and uncertainty, am I still proud of the person I am? I am. Did I type I am with tears in my eyes? Yes I did. But has this years journey been beautiful, full of growth, full of pain, and everything in between? It has been… and I am growing in the right direction.
A couple months ago, someone I trust with my life said to me, “I know you want everyone to think you’re fearless, but it’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to show how you really feel.” I know that I walk into every situation scared as shizz, but I don’t show that… and that probably makes me pretty unrelatable. What makes me even more unrelatable is choosing to love and accept those who hurt you. It’s okay to not be unrelatable. We shouldn’t have to try to be. The only thing we should try to do is be ourselves. Failures, traumas, successes, and all. All the things that make us who we are… we should try to shine the person we are– broken, brave and all… onto the world.
When we accept who we are, others will learn to accept who we are… and if they can’t, we can still accept who they are… and that is when the world might finally move in the direction we all believe in.
We can do this.
With kindness | ashley