teacher diaries: courage to change the things I can.
The worst feeling I’ve experienced in this journey is something that doesn’t quite have a word, yet. It’s loneliness, paired with an understanding that your actions, although right, caused the loneliness.
If I could have just sat silent. If I could have just bit my tongue; looked the other way. If I could have made decisions that supported the big picture of my life instead of the big picture of others. If I could have just let it go. I couldn’t. I pushed and I fought. I couldn’t let it go then and I can’t let it go now. Except this time it won’t destroy me.
After whistleblowing (on special education law violations and sexual harassments/abuse among children with a common connection) and a long stint of retaliation tactics deployed, I was slapped with a sexual harassment complaint filed against me with an allegation of starting a rumor against two other employees. I’m not going to dive into the details of this other than the situation was untrue, it was handled one month before I got this call from Bellevue School District’s HR office, and the allegations came back clearing me of this allegation, after 1.5 months of continued suspense and torture.
However, while I was cleared, during the investigation, HR discovered my colleagues were concerned about my mental health. They shared a few statements I had shared around feeling I was being surveillance and feeling like the district was trying to fire me. I was reassured they cared about me, minutes before being put on administrative leave pending a “fit for duty” mental health evaluation.
I had two separate evaluations within that week– cleared by both. I knew it was just another act of retaliation. I’m well aware that my story is real. The other teachers that went along the journey with me, in the same deep waters that I traveled, no longer have their words. Their words were worth non-disclosure agreements. I don’t want to make assumptions, but why do places typically offer non-disclosure agreements and payouts?… How does this all relate?
During the not actually fit for duty evaluation, it was a mental health evaluation… another fear tactic, I was directed and threatened into having… one of the last things the mental health professional said to me was it’s important I distinguish between what I can change and what I can’t.
She recited, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” It stuck with me mostly because I should have had the power to change the things that needed to be changed because the law was on my side– just not the people upholding the law.
Bellevue School District knew moving me from my former school would cause me post-traumatic stress disorder and they did it anyways. They knew I was a whistleblower, they knew my entire school building had filed a grievance against them. Heck, I filed a retaliation complain against them… and all I got was further retaliation. They tried to abuse me and break me into silence. Fact.
Courage to change the things I can.
The only thing I can control is myself and my story. I share it in a way that aligns with my healing process. I share it when it might matter. Right now, it might matter.
So, courage to change the things I can? Courage to share my story in hopes that someone else might read my words and doesn’t feel alone. They don’t feel that awful loneliness that can sometimes be accompanied by losing the things you love… by being hurt for doing what you know is right.
Right now, 5 students in Bellevue School District are still expelled and removed from their communities after their stories and their words lit a flame of non-violent protests. Bellevue victim shamed them, tried to silence them, and looked for ANY reason they could find to remove them. According to district administration in the current case involving students, the incident didn’t happen at school, there for they didn’t need to address it. Why did they address it with me? A rumor about a possible affair between two staff members over domestic and sexual violence between their students… in a culture that has allowed that type of behavior to continue… WHAT?
Bellevue School District damaged my mental health, retaliated, and looked for any thing they could to use against me, then took the damaged they had caused on my life to inflict more damage. This is how they operate. I have seen them do it to other staff members and countless other students… but now our state is seeing it too.
Courage to change the things I can is courage to break the silence. I can break the silence.
I will not stay silent, Bellevue School District, until you end your reign of hypocrisy and hurt.
with kindness | ashley
P.S– the media typically chooses not to cover stories involving Bellevue School District, not sure why, however, Kiro 7 is leading the way. Click HERE to read about the courageous students in Bellevue School District, 405.
disclaimer: some of the verbiage and information I shared can be found in additional e-mails around these formal documents.